Troy: the History the Legacy the Parody: Completed
by illigitimate luv child
Summary: Did you ever wonder if Hector was really a heterosexual?Or if Agamemnon only pretended to hate Achilles to try to hide his true feelings? Well find out in the new exciting Troy parody!
1. Default Chapter

Authors Note: Ok, this isn't really a chapter, and if it was it's not a very good one, but the story gets better. Oh yeah and this chapter is dedicated to jimmie, you wanteda dedication so here it is.

Disclaimer: Ok never done this before, but here goes, I know and own absolutely nothing about and from Troy, even though Hector would be great to have around the home mmmmm.

_African Lady sings in weird voice._

_**T-R-O-Y** comes up in large old-fashioned letters._

_A picture of a map is in the background, and lots of subtitles come up that no one could possibly read and properly understand in the time given._


	2. Chapter 1: Where is a hot blonde killing...

Author's Note: Ok so this could be a little random, bear with me, hope you enjoy this.

Disclaimer: Only this story belongs to me, nothing else to do with Troy.

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**Scene change to somewhere in Thessaly**

_Two armies march up to meet each other._

**Agamemnon:** Well, hello stranger, fancy you being here?

**Triopas:** Get the hell away from my land, this is trespassing (speaks in a sudden southern accent)

**Agamemnon:** I like your land like your soldiers too, except for that one right there. (Points to a soldier)

**Triopas:** Which one? (Looks to where Agamemnon is pointing)

**Agamemnon: **That one, -second from the left.

**Triopas:** He just so happens to be my son. (Says through gritted teeth)

**Agamemnon:** hmm-go figure. (Not paying attention to Triopas' outrage).

**Triopas:** How dare -

**Agamemnon:** Look I'm sick of standing here, let's just settle this mano a mano.

**Triopas:** Ok, but be warned, beneath this boyish, sexy and slightly geriatric exterior is an animal waiting to be unleashed.

**Agamemnon:** I'm not talking about us, but see me later about unleashing your animal within (grins cheekily). My best man against your best man.

**Triopas:** But I've never been married.

**Agamemnon:** Oh for Zeus' sake, your warrior will fight my warrior and then if I win, I get your allegiance, if you win, I'll leave and go home.

**Triopas:** Fine by me, and you disgust me! BOAGRIUS!

_Fugly soldier wearing a loincloth comes forward._

Agamemnon: ACHILLES!

_No answer, Agamemnon fumes and begins to grind his teeth._

**Triopas:** Boagrius has this affect on many heroes, and I can't tell you how many mirrors he's shattered of late (leans in and almost whispers this).

_Rider arrives_

**Agamemnon: **Where is he?

**Rider:** I've sent a boy to look for him.

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****Scene change to a village somewhere in Greece**

_Little boy rides a horse casually into a village. Enters a tent tentatively. Boy goes to wake who he believes is Achilles, who in turn grabs his arm._

**Man:** you've got the wrong tent

**Boy:** sorry sir

_Boy goes next door. Enters the tent tentatively. Boy goes to wake the real Achilles, you can _

_tell because he's sleeping completely naked with several naked ladies strewn strategically around his tent. Achilles grabs his arm._

**Boy:** I have the strangest feeling of deja vu. (to camera)

**Achilles: **I was having a good dream. (looks around, a nude Scotsman is walking, completely

unfazed by everyone else's presence, around the tent)

**Achilles:** Ok, so maybe the dream wasn't so good (clearly disgusted).

_Achilles dresses at lightning speed, while the boy watches._

**Boy:** So the rumours are true

**Achilles:** About what?

**Boy: **You're enormous (realises what he's about to say to a trained killer and an arrogant one at

that)...tent, you're enormous tent, he he. (Achilles gives him filthy look)

**Achilles:** Sure (clearly not convinced)

**Boy:** The guy you're about to fight, he's the biggest man I've ever seen. I wouldn't want to fight him.

**Achilles:** Remembering that you are only 10 years old and _anyone_ could crush your skull in one hand...but that is why no one will remember your name, because you're a wimp.

_Boy begins to cry._

**Scene changes back to battlefield, where everyone has been waiting patiently**

**Achilles:** Hey hey never fear Achilles is here, what up dog? how's my brother from another mother.

_Agamemnon and Nestor exchange confused looks._

**Agamemnon:** Cut the crap, this is how this is going to work, you're gonna kill that guy (points to Boagrius), and then I'll whip you for being late, and when it comes to pay day, you're not gonna get paid any extra for this.

**Achilles:** well in that case, you can kiss my - (is cut off)

**Nestor:** Wait, Achilles, look at these faces, you can end this war with a swing of your sword, let them go home to their wives.

_Achilles scratches back of his head with sheepish look on his face._

**Achilles:** Uhh...about that

**Nestor:** Oh Achilles, u haven't slept with them? (disappointed)

_Achilles nods slightly._

**Nestor:** What all of them, u haven't, knocked any of them up have you?

**Achilles:** Well let me put it this way, those three guys standing at the front, their wives are probably still lying in my tent.

**Nestor:** That's my daughter's husband!

**Achilles:** Oh, really, oh yeah, she has your eyes.

**Nestor:** Yeah that's what everyone says (thoughtfully and casually).

**Achilles: **Oh all right! Imagine a king who fought his own battles, wouldn't that be a sight.

**Agamemnon:** (to Nestor) of all the warlords loved by the gods I envy him the most, have you heard about his enormous (Nestor gives him a disgusted look) ... tent, his enormous tent, he he. (Nestor is not convinced)

_Achilles skips over to Boagrius, dodging spears, then kills Boagrius._

_Crowd cheers for Achilles._

_Meanwhile in Sparta Menelaus has declared peace with Troy. And he is completely and totally drunk. _


	3. Chapter 2: Paris messes things up again

Author's Note: This chapter is dedicated to Banshee Queen, as it is her favourite so far. And sorry to all those Orlando Bloom fans out there, I bag Paris a fair bit, a thousand apologies.

Disclaimer: Nothing from Troy belongs to me, but I'm starting to wonder if they sell blow up Hector dolls, just kidding.

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****Scene changes to Sparta**

**Menelaus:** Princes of Troy, I would like to propose a toast, to your father, who might I say has never looked more mascul -, what I mean to say is I still respect him, even though he has declared peace with me! If he really thinks I'm going to leave Troy alone and never attack you again, he's got another think coming. To peace; an easy way to slaughter your enemies.

_Hector and Paris exchange worried looks._

_Guard whispers something in Menelaus' ear._

**Menelaus:** (to guard) What do you mean I shared too much! (then to crowd) Sorry, forget everything I just told you.

_Hector and Paris looked relieved. They drink their wine. Dancers start dancing, Menelaus proceeds to French kiss as many as he possibly can. Helen leaves and heads upstairs to her room. Paris follows, Hector sees this and stands guard at the stairs, not looking the least bit inconspicuous._

_Paris bolts the door. Helen turns around._

**Helen:** You shouldn't be here.

**Paris:** That's what you said last night.

**Helen:** Last night was a mistake, which is ironic really (thoughtfully, Paris looks puzzled). '_Because you're a mistake Paris' _(doesn't say this out loud)

**Paris:** And the night before that?

**Helen:** I have made many mistakes this week.

**Paris:** Do you want me to go?

_Helen undoes her dress._

**Helen:** Yes, (moans slightly) go all the way.

**Paris:** Fine (angrily heads for the door)

**Helen:** No, you're not understanding me, I said go, _all the way._

**Paris:** And I'm going, _all the way_ to the door.

**Helen:** Bloody Hades, Paris, get your scrawny ass over here and I'll give you a lap dance!

**Paris:** Well when you put it that way...

_Paris and Helen make out, which looks uncomfortable for Helen, as she's wearing nothing and Paris has still got all his armour on._

**2 Hours Later**

_Hector is checking his sun dial watch_

**Hector:** Oh come on Paris, you can't be still going, you're a bloody asthmatic.

_Meanwhile up in Helen's room. Helen is lying on the bed, Paris walks over to her. _

**Paris:** Here, it's a necklace, I made it myself. (sounds very proud of himself).

_Paris hands Helen a tie died noodle necklace. Helen looks rather taken aback, but accepted the gift however dejected she felt._

**Helen:** They're um...beautiful, but I could never wear them, Menelaus would kill us both (relieved to have found an excuse not to wear it).

**Paris:** You don't have to fear him, I mean, if I was you I'd be terrified, but then again I'm afraid of everyone.

**Helen:** I don't, what I fear is tomorrow, and you sailing away, and knowing I'll never see you again. Before you came to Sparta, I was a ghost, I could piss in the middle of the table and no one would notice.

**Paris:** Zeus, you're so hot when you swear. Come with me, sail away with me tomorrow.

_Helen doesn't answer, Paris assumes this is a 'yes'._


	4. Chapter 3: Brotherly Love

**Scene cuts to Paris and Hector on a boat**

Paris: Do you love me brother?

Hector: Paris, do you really think this is the time and the place?

Paris: Would you protect me against any enemy?

Hector: Last time you talked like this you were 16 and you'd just stolen Father's whore.

Paris: I was 10 and it was his horse.

Hector: Anywho (abruptly changing the subject), what have you done now?

Paris: Let me show you.

Hector: Uh uh, I don't like where this is going, look if you've got the crabs I'm not helping you again, it's simply not happening, Paris.

Paris: No come with me brother.

_Hector shrugs, while Paris leads him to a dark room. Hector is looking worried, last time Paris had done this he had mentally scarred Hector for life, he would never forget those images Hector shudders thinking about last time. Helen, hooded and cloaked, steps from the darkness._

Hector: What it Hades did you think you were doing?

Paris: I love her...I think

Hector: You have spent every night this week with her and you think you love her. Tell me Paris, is there anyone you have slept with that you haven't 'loved'. (gestures inverted commas)

Paris: Well there was this one time - (is cut short)

Hector: Don't answer that. (to sailors) Turn this ship around.

Paris: What are you doing?

Hector: What does is look like dipshit? I'm taking her back.

Paris: if Heather goes, I go too.

Hector: Heather?

Paris: I mean Hilda.

Hector: Menelaus will kill you, you're willing to die for a girl whose name you can't even remember.

Paris: I can remember her name, Helga, (pokes tongue out at Hector) and I'll die fighting.

Hector: What do you know of fighting, have you ever killed a man, ever skewered, gutted, and ate a man's flesh while his screams still echoed in your ears?

_Paris proceeds to throw up over the side._

Hector: I didn't think so.

Paris: (wipes his chin) it doesn't bother you that you've just shared way too much with me.

Hector: Turn the ship round, we're heading back to Troy.

Paris: I won't ask you to fight my battle brother.

Hector: 1, you already have, and 2, can I get that in writing? I'm gonna be needing it when you challenge Menelaus.


	5. Chapter 4: Helen is not as pure as Menel...

Author's Note: I know I know, it's very farfetched, but so am I.

Disclaimer: I am a 'No Troy Zone'

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Scene changes to Menelaus and Agamemnon**

**Menelaus:** I want her back.

**Agamemnon:** I would too, she's a beautiful women, those curves are quite a sight...

**Menelaus:** You've slept with her too, haven't you?

**Agamemnon:** Um...yeah, sorry about that.

**Menelaus:** I want her back so I can kill her with my own two hands

**Agamemnon:** That's not the only thing I'd be doing with my own two hands.

**Menelaus:** Sorry, come again?

**Agamemnon:** Nothing.

**Menelaus:** I won't rest until I've burned Troy to the ground.

**Agamemnon:** Me either.

**Menelaus:** What? Does this mean...

**Agamemnon:** Yes I'll go to war with you.

**Menelaus:** Cool.


	6. Chapter 5: Agamemnon the heterosexual fr...

Author's Note: Agamemnon seems to have turned into a twisted, sadistic, gay, maniac, but then again hehasn't changed that much after all.

Disclaimer: I have nothing to do with Troy, but am thinking of starting a shop that sells blow up Hector dolls, just kidding.

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**Scene changes to Agamemnon and Nestor**

**Agamemnon:** I've always thought my brother's wife was a foolish woman. I mean after all she was having it off with Paris, how much more foolish could you get? Hector on the other hand, mmm now there's a fine prince of Troy, he's got a body like a demi-god, meow.

_Nestor looks at him with a raised eyebrow._

**Nestor:** The Trojans have never been conquered. Some say can't be conquered.

**Agamemnon:** Old king Priam thinks he's untouchable behind his high walls. Well I've touched him, (slams whip down on table)

_Nestor, with a disgusted look, takes several steps away from Agamemnon _

**Nestor:** Hector controls the finest army in the east. We'll need Achilles.

**Agamemnon:** No, I can't control myself around him. I'm as likely to...

**Nestor:** Don't say it. This'll be the greatest war the world has ever seen, we need the greatest warrior.

**Agamemnon:** There's only one man I can get the proper contraceptives from.


	7. Chapter 6: Achilles decides on something

Author's Note: Well this was a little rushed andmay not be very side splitting, but read on, it gets better.

Disclaimer: Once again, 'Troy Free Zone'.

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**Scene change; Achilles and his cousin Patroclus, are practicing sword fighting in what looks like a remake of the stone henge or in other words Pthia**

_Achilles and Patroclus make some weak come backs while they fight and then Achilles hears horses hooves. He soon discovers that it's his old friend Odysseus, king of Ithaca. So he throws a spear at him. _

**Odysseus:** Shit mate, I'm glad you're aim's good.

**Achilles:** Who says I was aiming for the tree? This is my cousin, Patroclus, Patroclus, Odysseus, king of Ithaca.

**Odysseus:** Come fight in the war. You'll be remembered for all eternity.

**Achilles:** I need time to think about it, but we both know that I'm going to go.

**Odysseus:** Bring your cousin too. We'll sail on Monday.

**Achilles:** See you then.

**Scene change to Achilles and his Mother they're both standing in the water**

**Mum:** I'm making you a seashell necklace, like the one's I used to make you when you were a boy, remember? (Achilles rolls his eyes, thinking about all the times he had to wear those necklaces to warrior school, he had an inkling that his mother had always wanted a girl).

**Achilles:** Tonight I decide.

**Mum:** Achilles, you and I both know that you've already decided.

**Achilles: **I know.

**Mum:** See ya then, well actually I won't, because you're going to die.

**Achilles:** Coolio, Toodleloo Mother.


	8. Chapter 7: A different kind of welcome

Author's Note: This is possibly my favourite chapter so far, hope it is yours as well.

Disclaimer: No owner of anything to do with Troy here, except this story.

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**Scene change to Troy, crowd is welcoming the Princes home.**

_Townspeople throw what everyone is hoping is confetti. Priam greets his sons._

**Priam:** My son.

**Hector:** Father.

_Priam gives a dirty look at Paris over Hector's shoulder while they're hugging._

**Priam:** Paris.

**Paris:** Father, this is Helen.

_Priam raises an eyebrow._

**Priam:** Helen of Sparta?

**Paris:** Helen of Troy.

**Priam** (mutters under his breath): Not again.

_Hector sees Andromache and runs up 2 meet her, before he jumps into her arms and she swings him around while they pash like there's no tomorrow. Paris stands around seething, then starts pashing Helen for no apparent reason. Meanwhile Briseis runs down stairs. _

**Briseis:** Paris! (in a high pitched voice that wasn't thought to be humanly possible).

**Paris:** _Beloved _cousin.

_Paris kisses Briseis a little too passionately; Helen sniffs and storms off, bumping into Hector and Andromache who are now being ushered out of the main hall and into their bedroom. Meanwhile Astyanax is left behind. Priam picks him up, looking puzzled._

**Priam: **Who does this pink mini person belong to? I swear I have no idea where it came from.

**Guard:** That would be Hector's mini person. And you really don't want to know where it came from, although I have a feeling there's another one on the way.

**Priam: **Well I really must protest.

_Paris and Briseis stop kissing. Hector comes back to claim Astyanax. _

**Hector:** Briseis, a servant of Apollo?

**Priam:** Yes, what can I say the young men of Troy were somewhat relieved when she chose the virgin robes.

_Paris looks rather sheepish. _

**Paris:** Are you sure she's a virgin?

_Briseis elbows him in the ribs lightly, Paris cries and rolls around on the floor writhing in pain. _

_Hector, carrying baby Astyanax, steps over Paris muttering something that sounded like 'pussy'._

**Scene changes to Hector and Priam discussing things in a hallway**

**Hector:** Paris is the biggest wimp, he wishes Troy to fight his battles for him.

_Priam sighs wearily._

**Priam:** Look as much as I agree with you, it's up to the gods, everything is in their hands.

**Hector:** She can't stay.

**Priam:** Yes she can, Paris and her are sorting things out now, just because Paris greeted his cousin with a little more oomph than was expected.

_Hector rolls his eyes._

**Hector:** Put her on a boat and send her home.

**Priam:** You know Paris the horny little pussy, he'd follow her to the end of the Earth if she was any good in bed.

**Hector:** This is my country and these are my countrymen -

**Priam:** No shit, but we're safe here, behind these lovely high walls (pats wall rather more affectionately than thought necessary), Apollo watches over us.

**Hector:** And how many battalions does the sun god command? Honestly, anyone would think that everything we do revolves around them.

**Priam:** Careful Hector, any moment now Apollo could strike you down.

**Hector** (yells at sky): So strike me oh mighty Apollo.

**Priam:** HECTOR!

**Hector:** What! I'm waiting for the Sun God to... (sky suddenly turns grey) to unleash his wrath upon me. (it starts hailing) but for Zeus' sake he won't strike me down, because I'm Hector and I have a hot body. (Hailstone comes spiraling down and hits Priam. Skies part and Apollo looks down).

**Apollo:** Thousand apologies King Priam, I was aiming for Hector.

_Priam glares and rubs forehead._


	9. Chapter 8: Preparations for war should h...

Author's Note: Apologies to Eric Bana/Hector fans out there, I've turned him into a homosexual, but don't take it seriously, I'm a huge fan of Eric Bana/Hector, as you can probably tell from my previous ANs and Disclaimers.

Disclaimer: I know jack about Troy, and own even less.**

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**Scene change to Paris and Helen in Paris' room**

_Helen is leaning against a pole, which is both annoying and turning Paris on. Annoying him, because she's stating the obvious instead of making out with him and of course a chick leaning against a pole is going to turn him on._

**Helen:** They're coming for me, the wind is bringing them closer

**Paris: **Uh...Helen, I hate to tell you but there is no wind

Gale force winds begin knocking Paris and Helen back onto his bed.

**Paris: **It's a sign from the gods, they want us to have sex.

_Paris and Helen continue to make out. Being the shallow cowardly wanker that he is, Paris is once again happy and hornier than ever._

**Scene change to Hector holding Astyanax **

_Andromache walks over, both smile at the cute little baby, busily sucking away on a toy._

**Hector:** uuuhhh...is he supposed to be making that noise?

**Andromache:** I'm pretty sure he's alright. (Tries to start pashing Hector again)

**Hector:** He's tearing that lion toy apart like he's possessed or something

**Andromache:** Oh it's fine (Still trying to make a pass on him)

**Hector:** No it's not (defensively), do you know how it took me to make that, and now it looks like it's been attacked by a pair of rabid beavers.

**Andromache:** Look! What's your problem, you're never fully in the mood!

**Hector:** What's your problem why do you always want to make out with me! ...oh wait I think I can answer that for myself (looking at his beautifully toned muscles).

_Bell tolls and interrupts their argument. _

_Hector bowls Astyanax back into his crib, a homeless 10-year old boy runs into the room._

**Boy:** It's the Australian fast bowler, he can save us.

**Hector:** fast bowl this.

_Hector throws the boy off balcony._

**Scene change to Paris and Helen again**

_Paris walks out onto balcony. Helen, half undressed, follows him, thinking 'shit, I wish these dresses were as easy to put on as they are to take off'_

**Paris:** Wow. Gale force winds really help sailboats. (thoughtfully)

**Scene change to Hector in the armoury**

**Hector:** How long will it take to get things ready.

**Lysander:** Well, I have the candles, the bath bombs, and the violinist, and the hot tub is almost ready.

_Hector blushes deeply, as the men look at him funny.  
_

**Hector:** No, what are you talking about (trying to save his dignity). Regular prankster this one (Says to random guard). (whispers to Lysander) play along. (laughs uncomfortably)

_Lysander laughs along, neither sound convincing. _

**Hector:** What I meant to say was when will the men be ready, and I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure you're not going to be alive after today so the date's off.

**Lysander:** Well in that case (clearly offended) the men won't be ready until noon.

**Hector:** Well make it sooner, I promise if you do, we can spend an hour in the hot tub.

**Lysander: **Yes my Lord (excited).


	10. Chapter 9: Public Speaking it's a bitch

Author's Note: Ok, prepare yourself, Tecton is really random, but other than that, I'm pretty proud of this chapter.

Disclaimer: Own nothing to do with Troy, but a blow up Hector doll is looking really promising.**

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**Scene changes to Hector giving his men a pep talk outside of Troy**

**Hector:** People, people, I need a little hush please.

**Tecton:** IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE HADES UP I'LL PERSONALLY KILL YOU MYSELF AND THEN SLEEP WITH YOUR WIFE SO MANY TIMES WE'LL HAVE A FAMILY OF BASTARD CHILDREN.

**Hector frowns:** Uh...thanks Tecton...I think. Anyway, as I was saying. All my life -

_A soldier mutters something._

**Tecton:** That's it! You there, if I were you I'd be hoping your wife had that hysterectomy at her last doctor's appointment.

_Hector and all the guards looks grossed out. _

**Hector:** All my life, I've lived by a code, and the code is simple. Honour the gods, love your woman (gives a sideways, disgusted, glance at Tecton), or man, because I know there's some of you... (remembers what he's supposed to be saying) and defend your country, let's kick some ass.

_Soldier cheer as the ride off towards the beach. Hector all the time wondering if anyone else had this much trouble with his speeches. _

**Scene changes to Achilles on his boat full of Myrmidons**

**Achilles:** Patroclus, I need to tell you something.

**Patroclus:** I know...about your ...(whispers) little problem.

_Myrmidons snigger._

**Achilles: **Ok for that you don't get to fight. (pokes tongue out at Patroclus, who decides to sulk at the back of the boat).

**Achilles:** Myrmidons, my brothers of the sword. I would rather be fighting along side you than any army of thousands. Let them not forget how menacing we are. We are lions.

_Achilles' speech is interrupted by the Myrmidons banging their spears on the deck, however they used the wrong end, instead of holding their spears upright and battering them against the deck that way, they used the spear heads. _

**Achilles:** Look I'm trying to talk here. as I was saying -

**Eudorus:** Sir!

_Achilles ignores him _

**Achilles:** Beyond that beach, immortality, take it it's yours.

**Eudorus: **Sir!

**Achilles:** What is it now?

**Eudorus:** We're sinking.

_What no one realised when the Myrmidons were beating their spear heads on the deck, many holes were put into the boat._

**Achilles:** Jump men jump, if you can't swim that's your tough luck.

_Everyone except Patroclus, who appears to be still sulking jumps over the side._


	11. Chapter 10: Apollo this Apollo that

Author's note: Yet another random chapter, but hopefully you enjoy it.

Disclaimer: Yet again, no Troy partofTroy belongs to me (this isn't supposed to sound seedy), exceptfor this story.**

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**Scene change to Agamemnon on his boat**

**Triopas:** What's the fool doing?

**Agamemnon:** He's going to attack the beach of Troy from underwater!

_Everyone exchanges confused looks._

**Scene cuts back to Achilles and his Myrmidons, all who can't swim that well**

_Achilles and his men thrash helplessly in the water trying desperately to dodge arrows and swim to shore at the same time. Several underwater shots happen at this point. Jaws music plays during this._

_Achilles and his men eventually make it to shore. Where some more a shot with flaming arrows. _

_They have a battle. The Myrmidons win. Achilles tells them to ramsack the Temple of Apollo. _

**Eudorus:** Apollo sees everything, perhaps it is not wise to offend him.

**Achilles:** Believe me, he can't be offended much more if he saw what I was doing in the shower last night. _Achilles decapitates statue of Apollo for some reason unknown to us. The golden head rolls down the temple stairs_.

**Eudorus:** OW MY FOOT!

_Achilles sees Hector riding towards the temple. _

**Achilles:** Warn the men. Wait. _Holds his hand out, in what Eudorus thinks is a poor attempt in at a hi-five, but participates nonetheless. _

**Achilles:** What are you doing you dork?

**Eudorus:** No it's EudorUS, EudorUS, not Eudork.

**Achilles:** Just hand me the bloody spear.

_Eudorus hands him a spear and runs inside, afraid of Achilles murdering him on impulse. Achilles just sighs and throws spear at Tecton. Tecton dies. _

_Hector looks amazed at the dying Tecton and thinks 'Wow, I thought that would never happen, thank Zeus, he was really starting to freak me out.'_

_Hector reaches temple and follows Achilles inside. 'Suprisingly' Hector and his men are attacked once stepping inside the Temple. Hector goes after Achilles, seeing the dead priests on the floor he states the obvious._

**Hector:** These priests weren't armed. You had no business killing the servants of Apollo.

**Achilles:** OK, so let me get this straight, you knew that we were going to come, obviously by sea, and you didn't tell anyone down here at the Temple, which is pretty far away from your city?

_Hector looks sheepish._

**Hector:** Well...Yeah...I guess...

**Achilles:**Uh huh, and they say you command the finest army in the east?

**Hector:** Why won't you fight me?

_Achilles ignores him and walk outside. _

**Achilles:** Why kill you, with no one here to see you fall?

(Outside the temple)

**Hector:** Why did you come here?

**Achilles:** Why do you think? Or perhaps you haven't heard, Troy is supposed to be ass soup, lots of hot women round here, they'll still be talking about how fiercely _I_ loved in a thousand years.

**Hector:** Ahhh, yeah...thanks for sharing that.

**Achilles:** Go home prince, drink some wine, make some sweeeeet love to your wife. Tomorrow we'll have our war.

**Hector:** You speak of making love as if it's a game -

**Achilles: **Uh, hello what do you think foreplay is.

**Hector:** but how many wives wait at Troy, for husbands that have long since become homosexuals.

_Achilles makes a disgusted face_

**Achilles:** You mean they really exist?Well I'm sure your brother would be able to comfort them, I hear he is rather effeminate.

_Hector shakes his head, before walking away._

**Eudorus:** You let him go my lord

**Achilles:** Well...yeah, after all, I still have to shag his cousin that your going to find in the temple later and then deliver to my doorstep. And she's not going to be easily seduced if I've killed her only manly cousin. He really is built that son of a -

_Eudorus looks at Achilles funny._

**Eudorus:** Are you sure you'd never heard of homosexuals before today?

_Achilles hits Eudorus over the head._

**Scene changes to beach, after the battle, Achilles is accepting congratulations from every soldier that passes, whether they offer it or not**

_A huge and very ugly guy walks up to Achilles._

**Achilles:** Hey hey hey, how's goin spray and wipe.

**Ajax:** What? It's Ajax

**Achilles:** Never mind, it's an Aussie thing, I've been spending too much time with Hector.

**Ajax:** Well aside from your weird jokes, I am honoured to fight with you.

**Achilles:** You won't be tomorrow when Hector stabs you repeatedly.

**Ajax:** What was that?

**Achilles:** Nothing.

_Odysseus walks up to Achilles._

**Achilles:** Where the hell were you?

**Odysseus:** I was at the back... watching your boat sink.

**Achilles:** Point taken.

_Achilles walks up to a huge tent, that is able to assemble without the aid of human help. _

_Achilles walks in and upon seeing Briseis wolf whistles loudly. Myrmidon come running in._

**Achilles:** Who's the babe?

**Eudorus:** Oh, the men found her hiding in the temple.

**Achilles:** Cool, shoddy first go.

_Eudorus shakes head and leaves._

_Achilles cuts Briseis' bindings._

**Achilles:** Your safer in my tent than out there, believe me, although things can get a little rough some times.

**Briseis:** You killed the priests.

**Achilles:** As if I did.

**Briseis:** The Sun God is going to kick your ass.

**Achilles: **What's he waiting for?

**Briseis:** The right time to strike

**Achilles:** Bring it on, these buns will be ready.

_Face ass towards Briseis._

_Achilles starts getting undressed. Briseis can't help but stare, remembering Paris is the only guy she's seen naked before, which is nothing to be proud about._

**Achilles:** His priests are dead and you're a captive, I think Apollo's afraid of me. After all kicking my ass could result in a broken foot. (feels ass) Damn these are tight.

_Briseis stares at Achilles' ass. _

**Briseis:** You know you have a point there... I mean Apollo fears nothing.

**Achilles:** Where is he then?

_Briseis changes subject_

**Briseis:** You're nothing but a killer! You know nothing about the gods!

**Achilles:** You haven't seen 16 summers and already I'm attracted to you, in some countries this could class as pedophilia. You must be royalty.

**Briseis:** I think we're getting off the subject a little here.

**Achilles:** What's your name?

**Briseis:** What's it to you?

**Achilles:** What's your name?

**Briseis: **Briseis.

**Achilles: **Are you afraid girl?

**Briseis:** So what, you pester me for my name, and then don't use it once I tell you?

_Eudorus bursts in. _

**Eudorus:** My Lord, Agamemnon wants to see you ASAP.

**Achilles:** Tell him to get in line.

**Eudorus:** But...

**Achilles: **Fine! (storms off)

_Eudorus waves shyly to Briseis, who rolls her eyes._

_Achilles comes back. _

**Achilles** (to Briseis): You don't need to fear me, we're going to fall madly in love and have sex in every spare moment, and therefore ending your career. But hey, it could be a lot worse.

_Achilles leaves Briseis smiling to herself._

**Briseis** (to self): That's true

_Eudorus is still standing around and is obviously crushing on Briseis._

**Eudorus:** Excuse me I've just got something in my eye.

_Eudorus leaves and loud crying is heard seconds later._

_Briseis shrugs. _


	12. Chapter 11: A fight for a slave girl

Author's Note: If you thought the randomness was gone, you thought wrong, it's back with a vengence. The randomness has struck again...see what I mean.

Disclaimer:Nothing fromTroy belongs to me.**

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**

**Scene change to Agamemnon's tent, which is smaller than Achilles, so he's looking to wreak vengence upon the warrior.**

_Agamemnon accepts gifts from other kings._

_Achilles yawns loudly. _

**Agamemnon:** Leaves (rather more excitedly than necessary).

**Achilles:** Apparently you won some great victory

Agamemnon (suggestively): I still have more to conquer.

_Achilles doesn't look up._

**Achilles:** That's for sure. You can have the beach. I didn't come her for sand, I don't like it, it gets under your nails and the tide always washes your sandcastles away...

_Agamemnon clears his throat._

_Achilles looks up embarassed._

**Agamemnon:** No, you want your name to be remembered. But it's my victory not yours.

**Achilles:** The soldiers won the battle. No you.

**Agamemnon:** Yeah well...I'm a King! Ha, I'll graffiti my name anywhere and everywhere and no one could care less.

**Achilles:** You have to win first.

**Agamemnon: **You sacked the temple of Apollo today.

**Achilles** (sighs) Here we go again. Don't tell me Apollo is going to strike me down, you have no idea how many people I have already had this conversation with.

**Agamemnon:** No I want the spoils of war.

**Achilles:** Oh ok, take then.

**Agememnon:** I already have. (whistles loudly)

_Large dog comes in and jumps all over Achilles, who stabs it. Everyone glares at dog, who leaves tent with it's tail between it's legs._

_Agamemnon whistles differently._

_Aphareus and Haemon drag Briseis into the tent._

**Agamemnon:** Tonight I'll have her give me a bath...And then, who knows?

**Achilles:** Oh I have a pretty good idea. I have no quarrel with you brothers, but if you don't let her go, you will never see home again.

**Aphareus **(whispers to Haemon) Dish it up anyway, it still means we're going to die.

**Briseis:** STOP! Many people have died today.

**Haemon:** Oh, no shit.

_Briseis glares at him._

**Briseis:** I don't want anyone dying for me. Put it away (to Achilles).

_Achilles misunderstands Briseis_

**Achilles: **I'd rather leave it out.

_Briseis raises an eyebrow._

**Achilles:** Oh, the sword.

**Agamemnon:** OOOHHH, mighty Achilles taking orders from a slave girl.

**Achilles:** She's not a slave girl.

**Agamemnon:** Well 1. She's a slave now. And 2. If I were you I'd wanna be hoping she was a girl. You're obviously crushing on her.

**Achilles:** You sick son of a bitch. Before my time is done King of Kings, I will look down upon your corpse and smile.

_Achilles storms out._


	13. Chapter 12: Troy never made dope illegal

Author's Note: Randomness is starting to fade. Am glad it is over, let's just hope we've seen then end of it.

Disclaimer: Don't own Troy, or anything to do with Troy.**

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**

**Lots of scene changes, a few random shots of Troy and the beach and praying people, random scene flicks stop on a congregation of Trojans talking about the war to come, surprise surprise**

**Glaucus:** If they want a war, we'll give them a war, I'd match the best of Greece against the best of Troy anyday.

_Other men cheer, not realising exactly what Glaucus just said._

**Velior:** I'm going to make this short. I don't think we can win,but then again; I'm constantly pesimistic. Let's make peace with Greece, they're only here because Paris decided to elope with a blonde bimbo scrag from Sparta.

_Priam acknoweldges this... so does Paris._

**Priam:** Glaucus, you've fought with me for over forty years, can we win this war?

**Glaucus:** Our walls have never been breached, our archers are the best in the world, and we have Hector (Hector rolls his eyes at this blatant ass kissing sentence). Yes I think we can win.

_Scotsman from Achilles' tent (in chapter 1) stands up._

**Scotsman:** Aye for Scotland!

_Whole room cheers._

**Archeptolemus:** I spoke with two farmers today. They saw an eagle flying with a serpant clutched in it's talons, I then asked them what they had been eating. So they fed me some mushrooms, and I too saw the eagle, this is a sign from Apollo, we will win. (Philosophically).

**Hector:** You ate magic mushrooms, you're going to plan our strategy on magic mushrooms?

**Priam:** Hector, show respect, when Archeptolemus smoked pot he prophesised that there would be four years of drought, so we dug deeper wells, and even though we are still waiting for the drought, he is a servant of the gods.

**Hector: **And I'm a servant of Troy. I've always honoured the gods father.

_Paris coughs and it sounds suspiciously like 'bullshit'._

**Hector:** But today I fought a Greek who desecrated the statue of Apollo. Apollo didn't kick his ass, but he'd probably get a broken foot, damn those buns were tight.

_Hector looks sheepish, but continues._

**Hector:** The gods won't fight this war for us.

**Paris: **(in another pathetic attempt to outdo his brother's bravery)There won't be a war.

**Priam:** Paris! Stop embarassing ... yourself.

**Paris:** Tomorrow morning I will challenge Menelaus for the right to Helen. The winner will take her home. The loser will burn before nightfall.

**Hector:** You should probably prepare... (coughs which suspiciously sounds like 'the firewood').

_Paris storms off._


	14. Chapter 13: Paris: center of attention

Author's Note: If at this point readers you are thinking 'wow in this story Andromache is a horny skank, who only every want to have sex with Hector', just ask yourself, wouldn't you if you were married to Hector? mmmm Eric Bana. lol**

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**

**Scene change to Paris and Priam sitting in a courtyard**

**Paris: **Father I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you. I -

**Priam:** Do you love her?

_Paris sighs, and changes the subject briefly._

**Paris:** You're a great king because you love you country so much. Every blade of grass, every grain of sand, every rock in the river, you love all of Troy.

_but then decides to tell a porky._

**Paris: **That's the way I love Helen.

**Priam:** I've fought many wars in my time. Some were fought for land, some for pwer, some over the legality of abortions some for prostitution rights, (Paris clears throat and Priam remembers his line) What I mean to say is I guess fighting for love makes more sense than all the rest. (Paris feels as though great burden has been taken off his shoulders) But this time I won't be the one fighting. (and then put back again).

_Priam hands Paris a sword._

**Paris:** What is it?

**Priam:** It's the sword of Troy.

**Paris:** So this is a sword. (Says sword slowly).

_Paris tries to lift the the sword but ends up dropping it on Priam's lap, lacerating his legs._

_Priam tries to control his anger at his son's incompetance. After all if an eighty year old man can lift the sword why can't he._

**Priam:** My father carried this sword, and his father before him, all the way back to the founding of Troy, but never did one of them drop the sword on their father, nearly killing him from bloodloss.

**Paris:** Sorry daddy. (hangs his head in shame)

**Priam:** Our history was written with this sword.

**Paris:** Hhhmm, whatever happened to 'the pen is mightier than the sword?'

_Priam ignores his son and starts making a torniquet for his legs by tearing up his dress... I mean robes._

**Priam:** Carry it with you tomorrow (grumbles) that's if you can lift it.

_Paris stands up and leaves the courtyard dragging the sword behind him, sending sparks off in all directions as the metal grinds against the pavement. Priam hobbles off towards the hospital wing._

**Scene change to Hector in his chamber with Andromache and Astyanax**

_Andromache is trying to make out with Hector again, right in front of baby Astyanax, you think all these goings on would affect the child in some ways._

**Hector:** The man who killed Tecton outside Apollo's temple today. I've never seen a spear thrown like that, an impossible throw.

_Andromache rolls her eyes._

**Andromache: **Don't go, you've fought all your life, let other men go tomorrow.

(starts crying, realising that this is a perfect time to seduce Hector, making him believe it will be their last night together).

**Hector:** You think I want to fight, I want to see my son grow tall, I want to see the boys... I mean girls chasing after him and anyway Paris fights tomorrow, not me.

**Andromache:** Fifty thousand Greeks didn't come here to watch your brother fight. And even if they did, they'll be sadly disappointed, Paris doesn't even know what a sword is. (tries to pash Hector).

Hector: You'd make a fine general, my love.

_Andromache rolls her eyes again. _

**Andromache:** You know what else at good at making fine? (slightly obvious).

_Hector and Andromache pash for precisely 5 seconds before Hectors kills the moment and Andromache's hopes of having sex with him._

**Hector:** I have to see Paris.

_Hector walks out of the room, leaving Andromache feeling rather shut down. Instead of having sex with her, he'd prefer to talk to his brother. _


	15. Chapter 14: One of Hector's more embarra...

Author's Note: Ok, the randomness is back,to the power of10.This chapter is dedicated to my cat, Patrick. Here's lookin at you kid.

Disclaimer:I don't anything to do withTroy, but after writing this chapter,I am really starting to wish I had a blow up Hector doll. Lol.**

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**

**Scene change to Hector outside his chambers**

_Something moves in the bushes in the courtyard._

_Hector is hesitant. Last time something moved in the bushes and he'd gone to check it out, Paris had been... oh, the memories were too awful._

_Hector approaches the bushes, and something scurries away._

**Hector:** Wait.

_The scurrying thing pays no attention and runs off. Hector chases it._

**Hector:** STOP!

_Hector runs into a cloaked figure, gregorian chant is playing the background._

_Cloaked figure turns around to faceHector._

**Hector:** Helen (surprised).

_Gregorian chant stops suddenly with the record scratching noise. _

_Helen tries to run away, Hector grabbing her arm._

**Helen:** Let me go!

**Hector:** Shhhh, Paris will hear you, do you know how insanely jealous he is of me?

**Helen:** I can understand why, (looking down, Hector's skirt fell off when he ran after her, and he's standing in his briefs).

_Hector, still holding Helen's arm, sidesteps over to where his skirt was lying, and tries to put it back on with one arm._

_Scotsman from previous scenes walks past._

**Scotsman:** Lost ya kilt there laddie?

_Hector blushes deeply._

**Helen:** I saw your briefs, I saw you briefs when your skirt fell off. It's my fault.

**Hector:** No, actually it's Andromache's fault for loosening it before, the whore.

**Helen: **It is, you know it is. All those ... (Helen looks at Hector's downstairs area).

**Hector:** I get the picture.

**Helen:** I'm going down to the ships.

**Hector:** No you're not, you'll tell everyone that I lost my skirt!

**Helen:** I'll tell Menelaus.

**Hector** (suddenly worried) It's too late for that. You think Agamemnon cares about you seeing my underwear. This war is over power, not undies.

**Helen **(changes subject abruptly) Paris is going to fight in the morning?

**Hector:** You bet ya.

**Helen:** Menelaus will kill him.

_Hector lets go of her and does a huge backflip, then starts dancing around singing 'I'm gonna be an only child, I'm gonna be an only child', throwing confetti into the air._

**Helen:** I'm not going to let that happen.

_Hector stops dead, record scratching noise putting an end to his parade._

**Hector: **But it's his desicion!

**Helen:** I don't want anyone fighting for me.

**Hector:** Uh, what did you think would happen if you came here?

**Helen: **I'm no longer Queen of Sparta.

**Hector:** You're a Princess if Troy now. And my brother needs you tonight.

_Helen raises an eyebrow._

**Helen:** You have one of those double sided mirrors into our room don't you.

_Hector scratches the back of his head and looks sheepish._

**Helen **(folds her arms)I can't believe you. Pervert!

_Helen slaps Hector across the face, before storming off._

_Hector calls after her '_It was Andromache's idea'.


	16. Chapter 15: Achilles the impetent man wh...

Author's Note: Ok, don't ask me how this works, but I've turned Achilles into a guywho bones everything in sight, but at the same time is impetent. Apologies.

Disclaimer: Please refer to previous disclaimers, as I'm running out of things to say.**

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**

**Scene change to Achilles' Tent**

_Achilles is having Briseis feed him grapes._

_Eudorus walks in, sees Briseis sitting in a sexy position. Eudorus blushes deeply, crosses his legs and siddles out of the tent._

_Eudorus comes back later, looking as though he's just had a very cold shower, he's wearing a striped dressing, gown fuzzy bunny slippers, and carrying a sponge bag. _

**Eudorus:** My Lord, the army is marching.

**Achilles:** I don't feel like fighting, we're staying.

**Eudorus:** But -

**Achilles:** No buts Eudorus, unless it's mine. We stay until Agamemnon moans to hae Achilles - (gets cut off).

**Eudorus:** I'm pretty sure he's already doing that.

**Achilles:** Let me finish; we stay until Agamemnon moans to hae Achilles _back._

_Patoclus enters tent._

**Patroclus: **Your shower's ready Eudorus.

**Eudrous:** Is it cold?

**Patroclus:** Icey.

_Achilles looks on in amazement._

**Achilles:** Another one?

**Eudorus:** I like to be...clean!

_Achilles rolls his eyes._

**Achilles:** Oi, Patroclus get your scrawny ass that is so much less sexy than mine over here.

_Patroclus looks at his ass then Achilles' before obeying as if in agreement. _

**Achilles:** Look I'm going to make this short, are you ready to kill people?

**Patroclus:** Ofcourse I am! (indignantly)

**Achilles:** At night I see the faces, of everything I've boned, I see them standing on the bank of the River Stynx, they're waiting for me. Sometimes I walk among them, when I wake, I can still hear their words, they say 'welcome daddy'.

_Patroclus looks puzzled, then realises what's happened._

**Patroclus:** You've been at the marajuana again, haven't you?

_Achilles looks uncomfortable._

**Achilles:** No I haven't.

**Patroclus:** I think we're getting a little off the subject, but I'm ready to fight.

**Achilles:** Yeah, well I'm still cut at you for telling the men about my...issue.

_Patroclus puts a hand on Achilles knee._

**Patroclus:** Cousin, impetence is nothing to be ashamed of.

_Briseis sniggers, Achilles blushes deeply._

**Achilles:** Remove your hand, just for that you don't get to fight!

**Patroclus: **Screw you!

_Patroclus walks outside and cries, passing Eudorus, who is on his way to his fifth shower, this scene._

_Achilles turns to Briseis_

**Achilles:** Actually I'll leave that for you to do my dear.

**Briseis:** Look, I know this is difficult, but just so you know, I don't screw guys who, you know, can't deliver the goods.

_Briseis walks off._

_Achilles stretches_

**Achilles **(to himself)Oh yes, she will be mine.

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Author's Note: See what I mean? 


	17. Chapter 16: Sex, drugs and blow up dolls

Author's Note: Ok guys, this chapter is heaps long, and guess who's back - that's right, the Scotsman appears again, and a couple of previous chapters' jokes appear aswell, so make sure you're up to date on the other chapters as well.

Disclaimer: Troy doesn't belong to me, but the scotsman does, so keep your hands off, lol, not that you'd wanna touch him anyway, all hair and sinew, lol.

**

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Scene change to Troy, where everyone is preparing for battle**

_Hector and Paris are standing at the front of the rows of soldiers._

**Hector:** Are you sure you wanna do this?

**Paris:** Of course I don't, but I'm just going to pretend I know how to swordfight and lull him into a false sense of security.

_Hector looks at Menelaus and then at Paris and bursts out laughing._

**Hector:** Good luck with that.

_Paris looks up at Helen, who is leaning over the wall._

_Helen waves at him. Then harks a loogie over the side of the wall, hitting Hector in the back of the head._

_Hector puts a hand on the back of his head, and looks at the substance on his hand._

**Hector **(to Paris) Gross, is Helen spitting on me again?

**Paris:** I hope s- I mean ... I think so.

_Everyone rides up to meet each other in the middle._

_Meanwhile Helen goes to spit again, but Priam interjects._

**Priam:** Helen, come sit by me.

_Helen does so, Andromache is sitting on the other side of Priam, baby Astynax is off somewhere, no one has actually seen the mini person since Andromache and Hector were...well you know - is this a coincidence?_

**Scene flicks back to Agamemnon his cohorts, Hector and Paris all talking **

**Agamemnon:** I see your not hiding between those enormous (looking at Hector's legs), I mean behind your high walls, he he.

_Paris and Hector exchange confused glances._

**Agamemnon **(to Nestor) And I thought I couldn't control myself around Achilles!

_Hector looks disgusted._

**Hector:** You look at my legs, uninvited! Go back to your ships and get the hell away from me!

**Agamemnon:** I've seen too much Prince Hector, I'm hooked.

**Menelaus** (looking at Hector) Prince? These are no princes. What son of a king would accept a man's hospitality, eat his food, drink his wine, and then steal his wife in the middle of the night?

**Hector **(slightly worried)You realise that Paris is the one that did the wife stealing.

**Menelaus:** Oh, (looks at Paris) let me take that from the top - Prince? -

**Paris:** Enough! And anyway the sun was shining when I stole Helga, I mean when Helga left you!

_Hector just shakes his head thinking - 'I swear he's adopted.'_

**Menelaus:** She's up there watching isn't she, (doesn't wait for an answer) good, I want her to see you die!

**Agamemnon:** Hold your horses, have a squiz Hector, I've brought all the warriors from Greece, read it and weep.

**Nestor:** You can still save Troy, young prince.

**Agamemnon:** Look here's the deal, give Helen back to Menelaus, and I want your army, to fight for me whenever I call on them.

**Hector:** You want me to look upon your army and tremble? Well I see them, and (hand, which is resting on sword, starts to shake, swords makes a clattering noise, everyone looks down at Hector's sword) ...it's working.

_Paris feints._

**Agamemnon: **Careful boy, my mercy has limits.

**Hector:** I've seen the limits of your mercy. And I tell you no son of Troy will submit to a foreign ruler.

**Agamemnon:** Then every son of Troy shall die.

**Scotsman:** Aye for Scotland.

**Everyone in unison:** Who's side are you on?

_Scotsman siddles out of camera view._

**Paris** (in yet another pathetic attempt to sound brave, noble and any other virtue that he does not posess) There is another way. I love Helen, neither of us will give her up, because you know, whoo, she's won fiesty tomcat. The lucky winner will take her home, and let that be the end of it.

**Agamemnon: **A (cough) brave offer, but not enough.

**Menelaus **(to Agamemnon) Let me kill this peacock.

**Agamemnon:** I didn't come for your (looking up at Helen) extremely hot, blonde, tomcat - I mean your wife.

**Menelaus:** And I came for my honour, his every breath insults me, let me kill him, when he's lying in the dust give the signal to attack, and you can have your city.

**Agamemnon:** No wait...I have a better idea, you can kill him, and when he's lying in the dust I'll give the signal to attack, and I'll have my city.

**Menelaus:** And that's_ why _you became King of Greece _instead_ of me? (resentfully).

**Menelaus** (to Paris) I accept your challenge.

_Paris gulps loudly._

_Hector stands in utter disbelief, 'what did Paris think would happen, that his 'bravery' would scare off Menelaus?' Hector suddenly realises that, after knowing his brother his whole life, this was probably the case._

_They go to collect their weapons._

**Hector:** Make him swing and miss, he'll tire.

_Paris looks at Menelaus._

**Paris:** How long is that going to take.

_Hector rolls his eyes._

**Paris:** If I - (gulp) fall, tell Hilda, tell her.

_Hector rolls his eyes again._

**Hector:** I will.

**Paris:** No you don't know what I'm going to say.

**Hector:** Sure I do, that you love her.

**Paris:** What? No, no, no, no, that I left an inflatable doll that is an exact copy of me folded up in the top drawer, she'll know what you mean.

_Paris walks towards Menelaus, leaving his brother asking the soldiers for a bucket so he can throw up._

_Menelaus swings at Paris several times, Paris ends up cowering behind his shield and not having a clue what's going on, or knowing Paris, even what a shield is._

_Menelaus belly flops on top of Paris' shield. Paris is embedded into the ground for several seconds. Menelaus grabs his shield and throws it carelessly away. Agamemnon ducks. _

_Menelaus kicks Paris. Paris scurries towards his brother. Hector suddenly realises what the scurrying thing the other night actually was. Hector shudders at the thought of what Paris was actually doing in that bush._

**Scene change to Priam sitting on his throne **

_Priam cannot see what is going on, but somehow knows that Paris isn't fighting._

**Priam:** Fight him son, fight him.

_Helen and Andromache crane their necks to see if Priam can see the fight. Both look at each other puzzled, as Priam can't see over the wall._

**Menelaus:** Get your scrawny ass over here.

**Paris** (to self) Where have I heard that before?

**Agamemnon:** The Trojans have violated the agreement, forward march!

_Paris grabs hold of Hector's 'kilt', which in turn begins to fall down. Hector tries hard to hold it up._

**Menelaus:** If he doesn't fight, Troy is doomed.

**Hector:** Paris...get off me.

**Paris:** No, no, oohhh why have you got hair growing on your legs? That can't be natural, can it?

_Hector ignores this._

**Hector** (to Menelaus)The fight is over.

**Menelaus:** No it's not.

**Paris:** Yes it is.

**Hector and Menelaus in unison:** Who asked you?

**Menelaus: **Stand back, I'll kill him at your feet.

**Hector:** As much as I would like that, he's my little brother, and daddy would make me sleep outside.

_Hector stabs Menelaus, Menelaus dies._

_Chaos is everywhere._

**Hector:** PARIS! Get up!

_Paris runs in wrong direction._

**Hector:** Get your scrawny ass back here.

**Paris:** I have the strangest feeling of deja vu.

_Paris grabs sword of Troy, that he had dropped before the fight even had started, but he can't lift it so he drags it, holding it with both hands._

_Paris gets back to Hector, who puts him on a horse and sends him inside the walls._

**Hector:** He is such a pussy.

**Big Battle!**

_Lots of random shots of people dying._

_Someone finally points out the obvious._

**Odyseuss:** We need to retreat!

**Agamemnon:** No we don't - I'm winning, look at my precious army, it's gigantic!

_Odyseuss rolls eyes._

**Odyseuss:** That's _their_ army!

**Agamemnon:** Oh, RETREAT!

**Scene flicks back to Hector**

**Hector:** HALT!

_No one listens._

**Hector:** STOP!

_Everyone comes to a stand still._

**Lysander:** They're running away, let's chase them.

**Hector:** Dude, they have archers too you know.

**Lysander:** Oh, oh yeah, I see them.

**Hector:** (shakes head) Dipshit. Look I hate being messy, so get everyone to start clearing this up, but only what belongs to us. When we're finished, send someone your pissed at to tell Agamemnon that he can collect his dead.

**Lysander:** Why someone I'm pissed at?

**Hector:** Because they'll probably get disembowled.

Lysander: Oh cool - Glaucus? Where are you?

* * *

Author's Note: He he, I made my dreams of a blow up doll come true, too bad it was Paris. 


	18. Chapter 17: After battle attitude adjust...

Author's Note: Ok guys, I'm gonna have to ask you not to argue in my reviews, I'm not pointing fingers, but just for future reference, can you keep the payouts to a minimum. Thankyou.

Disclaimer: Sorry nothing in this chapter belongs to me, sorry no scotsman this time.**

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**

**Scene change to people collecting dead people**

Helen is still spitting on people, yelling 'bloody tourists'

**Scene flicks back to the beach**

_Agamemnon goes to put two pennies on the eyes of his brother._

_Finds he doesn't have any spare change._

**Agamemnon:** Oh shit, left my wallet in the tent, anyone got a couple of coins?

_Some soldier hands him two pennies._

_Agamemnon lights the pyre._

**Scene change to Helen about to stitch Paris' wounds**

_Paris is crying._

**Paris: **You think I'm a coward.

**Helen:** Well dah, I haven't even started stitching you up, and you're crying.

**Paris: **Just because I don't like needles, F-Y-I, I nearly died today, if you were watching.

**Helen:** Well...you know, those walls are really high, I couldn't see over the top.

_Paris sulks._

**Helen:** Look, you challenged a great warrior today, that took (cough) courage.

**Paris: **Why is everyone coughing? Is there some kind of flu going around?

**Helen:** Yes, my love...the flu, (mutters fondly) so naive.

**Scene change back to Troy's beach, where clearly Agamemnon is pissed ... and annoyed**

**Agamemnon (**speech is very slurred They're laughing at me in Troy! I hear their voices...their everywhere.

_Agamemnon looks around and attacks the air around him._

_Odyseuss and Nestor exchange worried looks._

**Agamemnon:** They're probably drunk with victory.

**Odyseuss:** Unlike us - drunk with defeat.

**Agamemnon:** I'm not so think as you drunk I am. They think I'll sail home at first light.

**Odyseuss:** Maybe we should, the sandflies are killing me.

**Agamemnon:** Flee? Like a whipped dog?

**Odyseuss: **Look the men think we came here for Menelaus' wife.

**Nestor:** Didn't we?

_Agamemnon rolls his eyes, he's still completely off his face._

**Odyseuss: **We won't be needing her anymore.

**Agamemnon:** My brother's blood still wets the sand and you insult him.

**Odyseuss:** Uh...we burnt him, how could his blood still be wetting the sand?

**Agamemnon:** It's called being poetic, shitdip.

**Nestor:** If we leave now, we loose all credibility. (Looks at Agamemnon, who is attacking the air again) Not that we had any before.

**Odyseuss:** If we stay, we stay for the right reasons, because I am a good person. (Breaks into song). You've gotta do the right thing, it's an obligation...

_Nestor raises an eyebrow._

**Odyseuss:** Can I help it if those community service announcement ads inspire me? (to Agamamnon). And your private battle with Achilles is tearing me up inside. (begins to cry).

**Nestor **(mutters)Emo

**Agamemnon:** Achilles is one man, one damn fine man!

**Odyseuss:** Hector is one damn fine man, and look at what he did to you!

_Agamemnon drools._

**Agamemnon:** mmmmm Hector, I mean, Hector does nothing for me, where would you get that idea? (laughs nervously and unconvincingly). And anyway, Hector fights for his country, Achilles fights for no one.

**Odyseuss:** I don't care about the man's patriotism! I care about the fact that we can't win a single battle without him!

**Nestor:** He's right, every battle we've won in this whole friggin' movie has been because we had Achilles fighting.

**Agamemnon:** Even if I wanted to make peace with him...(sees Odyseuss pull a face)...which I do... he won't listen to me. I mean where's the respect?

**Odyeuss:** I'll talk to him in the morning. I don't know why, he's not a morning person, remember when you conquered Thessaly?

**Nestor:** He'll want the girl back.

**Agamemnon: **He can have her... I haven't touched her, I'd prefer to touch him.

_Nestor proceeds to throw up on Agamemnon's robes._

**Odyseuss:** Dude, that's is seriously wacked.

_Agamemnon looks sheepish._

**Agamemnon:** Did I say that out loud?

**Odyseuss:** Where is she?

**Agamemnon: **I gave her to the men. They needed some amusement after today.


	19. Chapter 18: Tether ball anyone?

Author's Note: Ok, I'm gonna answer a question that I spose a lot of you are wondering, where did I pull the scotsman from? It's a secret! Mwa ha ha ha ha

Disclaimer: I have nothing - Whitney Houston. lol**

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**Scene change to the beach camp, the men appear to be playing tether ball with Briseis, hhhmm amusing?**

**Aphaereus:** Kick her to me, kick her to me.

_Briseis hisses, spits and scratches._

**Haemon:** Whoo, it looks like Helen isn't the only tom cat around here.

_Achilles bursts in on the scene, killing a couple of the men, and dragging Briseis back to his tent, all in the space of 20 seconds._

_Once in the tent, Achilles kneels in front of Briseis._

**Achilles:** You should eat something. (winks, Briseis looks confused).

**Achilles:** Were they rough on you. (with a sideways inuendo-ish glance, Briseis looks even more confused).

**Briseis:** Oh nah, they were as gentle as lambs. (sarcastically)

**Achilles:** Meow. (does a cat impression) I saw you fight them, you have courage.

**Briseis: **To fight back when people play tether ball with me? A dog has that kind of courage.

**Achilles: **Well that's ironic, you _are_ a dog.

_Briseis is obviously offended._

**Achilles:** It's okay, I like dogs more than people.

_Briseis changes subject abruptly._

**Briseis:** Why did you choose this life?

**Achilles:** What life?

**Briseis:** This...to be a great warrior, whose impetent, yet you bone everything in sight.

**Achilles:** I chose nothing, I was born to it, I am what I am.

**Briseis:** But you must enjoy it?

**Achilles: **The killing or the boning? You'll find out later. (winks again).

_Briseis is at a loss for words._

**Achilles:** Look, let me put it this way, does a scorpion feel joy when he kills the beetle? No, I doubt he feels anything at all.

**Briseis:** But your not a scorpion, your a (looks down at Achilles' leg area) ... man.

**Achilles:** And don't you forget it. But, you're a woman in love with a god.

**Briseis:** I don't love Apollo.

**Achilles:** Uh...I was talking about me, but anyway, Apollo wasn't there when those men beat you round the bush.

**Briseis:** Yes, he was, he was waiting for the right time to strike!

**Achilles:** Not again, look I'm only going to get into this argument with you again, because I want to see that tom cat unleashed later when I screw you.

_Briseis says nothing._

**Achilles:** Look, you serve all the gods, right?

**Briseis:** Yeah, what do you think these virgin robes mean? That I believe in abstenence being the only way to be 100 sure you won't get pregnant?

**Achilles **(ignores this) Including Aries, god of war? Who blankets his bed with the skins of the men he's killed?

**Briseis:** All the gods are to be feared and respected.

**Achilles:** Then start fearing and respecting me baby!

_Briseis rolls her eyes._

_Briseis changes subject again._

**Briseis:** What do you want here in Troy, you didn't come for the Spartan Queen.

**Achilles:** I want what all the men want, I just want it more...tether ball anyone?


	20. Chapter 19: Back to the highlands

Author's Note: Ok guys, here we say goodbye to the scotsman, but I promise I'll bring him back upon request. Ahhh, I remember when he was born. Itall started one day while watching Troy, and Glaucus said 'Yes I think we can win this war' and I added 'Aye forScotland', and thus the Scotsman came into existance.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except for my beloved Scotsman, lol eeww gross,I wouldn't mind so much if he was Irish, I've always had athingfor the Irish, just a bit ofkinky info about me.**

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**Scene is still in Achilles' tent **

_Briseis is kneeling over the 'sleeping' Achilles with a knife at his throat._

_Achilles snores loudly, Briseis gasps, Achilles wakes up._

**Achilles:** Go on, you know you want to. (Sees knife and then realises Briseis' true intentions).

**Briseis:** Aren't you afraid?

_Briseis sits back. She's now closer to Achilles', and any guy's for that matter, pride and joy, while holding a knife, poised to strike._

_Achilles begins to panic now._

**Achilles** (tries to remain calm, but voice is more high pitched and wavering than normal) Every mortal dies, whether it's now or fifty years, what does it matter in the face of castration, uh... I mean eternity.

_Briseis realises where the knife is in relation to Achilles' reproductive organs._

**Briseis:** You'll only screw me if I don't.

**Achilles:** Is that really so bad.

**Briseis:** Meh.

_Briseis grabs hold of Achilles and they play tonsil hockey for around about 3 seconds before screwing, clearly foreplay is not an option here._

**Scene change to next morning on the beach**

_Achilles is packing up._

**Achilles **(to Eudorus) Move your ass, we're going home.

_Odysseus comes over._

**Odysseus:** Did you find the girl?

**Achilles:** Oh I found her alright. (winking).

**Odysseus:** I wish you wouldn't share stuff like that with me.

**Achilles:** Do you miss your wife?

**Odysseus:** Hell no, why do you think I'm here, risking life and limb instead of sitting at home watching the footy? Stupid bitch always nagging at me. (puts on high pitched voice) Odysseus wash the dishes, Odysseus cook the dinner, Odysseus make the bed! Honestly, women don't know their place these days, they should be doing all that stuff.

**Achilles:** I've never washed dishes, I used to think it was a weakness...cleaning. (shudders)

**Odysseus:** It is, which is why Greece is so weak - it needs you.

**Achilles: **Greece got along fine before I was born, and Greece will be Greece long after I'm dead.

**Odysseus:** I'm not talking about the land!

_Scotsman wanders onto the scene._

**Scotsman:** Aye, laddie the highland, Ach, how long ago it was since I've been back to ye old Scotland...

**Achilles:** Look, no one asked for your opinion, if you miss Scotland so much, take a boat, and row your sinewy ass back there.

_Scotsman cries, then gets into a row boat and sails away._

_Odysseus and Achilles look at each other and shrug._

**Odysseus:** Anywho, the hills and valleys, they don't care what we do.

**Achilles:** Well dah.

**Odysseus:** The men need you, you should have seen the slaughter yesterday.

**Achilles:** What do you think I was doing? Boning that Scottish guy?

_Odysseus goes to speak._

**Achilles:** Don't answer that. I saw the prick who led the slaughter.

**Agamemnon **(who happens to be walking passed) I heard that.

_Achilles gives Agamemnon one fingered salute._

_Agamemnon goes off and cries._

**Odysseus:** Look Agamemnon is simple minded, but when your a king, very few things are simple, Ithaca cannot afford an enemy like Agamemnon.

**Achilles: **Am I supposed to fear him?

**Odysseus:** Well... I would if I were you, you should see some of the kinky stuff he keeps under his bed. Stay Achilles, you were born to be kinky.

**Achilles:** My life is kinky. Is that what you think?

**Odysseus:** Am I wrong?

_Achilles stares into space._

**Achilles:** A week ago you would have been right, but things are less simple today.

**Odysseus:** Women have a way of making things kinkier.

_Achilles turns to Odysseus and smiles._

**Achilles:** Oh you have no idea.

**Odysseus:** Was she really that much of a tomcat.

_Achilles nods solemnly._

**Achilles:** Of all the kings of Greece, I respect you the most, but in this war you are just plain nosy. And I refuse to tell you anymore.

_Odysseus gets stroppy._

**Odysseus:** Sometimes you need to be nosy in order to gossip. I hope one day you understand that!

_Odysseus storms off. _

_Patroclus comes over to Achilles._

_Patroclus throws a tanty._

**Patroclus:** I don't wanna go!

**Achilles:** Well your going, whether you like it or not.

**Patroclus:** I'm gonna make this quick. I think we're running away like cowards.

_Achilles growls._

_Briseis, standing a little way away from Achilles, shivers._

**Achilles:** If my blood wasn't in your veins.

**Patroclus:** But it is, why do don't you do something? (sings Brittany Spears song and dances around).

**Achilles:** Stop!

_Patroclus ingores his cousin._

_Achilles punches him in the nose._

**Patroclus: **Ow, what did you do that for?

**Achilles:** I gave you an order, cousin, do not sing Brittany Spears songs! Oh, and we leave at noon.

**Patroclus: **Look, if you command us not to fight for the Thing of Things, so be it. But please don't ask me not to fight for Troy... I mean Greece.

_Patroclus storms off._

**Achilles** (to camera) You'd think I enjoy pissing people off, but then again, I do love razzing my cousin.

_Achilles walks off chuckling to himself.

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Author's Note: Before you click on the review button, think 'am I actually going to review this story or argue with someone?'because if you are - don't. I'm a getting really pissed off with people using my reviews to argue among themselves. I'm not pointing fingers, just cut it out. If you wanna argue email each other! Thankyou 


	21. Chapter 20: The Dark Underside of Troy

Author's Note: Ok I have no idea where this came from, and just for the record I do not do drugs.Andyou thought the _other_ chapters were random.

Disclaimer: Yeah nothinghere belongs to me. **

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**Scene flicks to the Trojans having another discussion about whether they should fight in the war - you think they would have come to a desicion by now!**

**Archeptolemus:** The omens are gathering, the directive is clear.

**Hector:** Fight for your country, that's your only directive.

**Archeptolemus:** And what! break a nail? I don't think so, some of us aren't as buff as you!

_Priam ignores this._

**Priam:** The last time the high priest spoke to us, he prophesised a great victory for Troy. We won a great victory. Let him speak. What course of action do you recommend?

_Hector silently and childishly imitates his father._

**Archeptolemus:** The gods favour our marajuana, now is the time to smoke it.

**Priam:** No, about the war.

**Archeptolemus:** Oh yea, that... attack.

_Priam ignores him._

**Priam:** Glaucus.

**Glaucus:** Their marajuana is detroyed. Smoke ours now, smoke it hard and they will come running.

_Priam and Hector exchange disdainful looks._

**Priam:** People! We are talking about the war that happened yesterday.

**Velior:** Oh yeah, I must admit, I overestimated all the pretty colours the Greeks had.

Hector hits forehead in annoyance.

**Hector:** The Myrmidons did not fight yesterday. There's dissension between the Greeks, but if we smoke their pot, we will unify them. If they decide to do drugs, let them, we will confiscate it. Yesterday the Greeks underestimated the power of mushrooms. Let us not return the favour.

_Priam completely ignores his son, as it's obvious he's been puffing the magic dragon as well._

**Priam** (to Archeptolemus)You're confident about these omens.

**Archeptolemus:** Well obviously - I'm a High Priest of Apollo aren't I?

_Priam considers this thoughtfully. _

**Priam:** Ok, prepare the army. We'll attack at noon.

_Hector takes another puff._

**Hector:** You see, this is a mistake daddy, but people make lots of mistakes don't they, I mean think about it, mistake, isn't it a strange word... mis-take.

_Priam rolls eyes._

**Priam:** Give me that.

_He snatches cone away from Hector._

_Everyone leaves room, Priam starts smoking the pot as he leaves the room.

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Author's Note: What did I tell you? 


	22. Chapter 21: Tender Moments

Author's Note: Ok, I'm sorry guys, I've been a bit slack of late, but I have a good excuse, just let me think of it :P. Anyways here's the long awaited chapter 21. Sorry it's a little short.

Disclaimer: Am poorby at the moment, do not own anything, especially Troy.

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**Scene change to the beach, Achilles is preparing to return home**

_Achilles is practising his knot tying, so that he looks like a pro sailor in front of his men and more importantly Briseis. _

_Briseis is lying on her back, moving her hands over her stomach provocatively. Achilles is secretly turned on by this but is trying to play it cool._

**Briseis:** Am I still your captive?

**Achilles: **Captive is a harsh word, your my guest, however, you're going to return to Larissa with me whether you like it or not.

**Briseis:** In Troy guests can leave whenever they want.

**Achilles: **(mutters) Strange people.

_Achilles looks at her palm._

_Briseis looks puzzled._

**Achilles: **(studying her hands) Hmmm you've never done any work in your life, these are the hands of royalty.

**Briseis:** Ok, we've already established that I was royalty in the hair sniffing scene.

**Achilles:** Shut up, I'm trying to go on about how doomed I am because all I ever do is kill men and bone their wives ... and cousins. (winks at Briseis).

**Briseis:** (annoyed) Look, a man tells a woman to shut up, a wise man would tell a woman she looks so much more beautiful with her mouth closed.

_Crickets chirp as Achilles tries to comprehend, with a blank look upon his face._

**Achilles:** I never said that I was wise, I'm just a horny killer! Ok here's the thing, I was only going on about your hands so I could talk about my favourite topic of conversation ... me.

_Briseis rolls her eyes._

**Achilles: **(proud and noble, with a hand on his chest, looking up to the sky) All my life I've walked with Death. But I grow tired of his company. You're coming to Larissa with me.

**Briseis:** (desperate to change the subject) Larissa, is that where you're from? It's a pretty name.

_Achilles' turn to roll his eyes._

**Achilles:** I never thought I'd see it again. Before I left my mummy told me my fate.

**Briseis:** Oh, does she speak with the gods?

**Achilles:** She knows things.

**Briseis:** (excited) Oh goodie, I'll have something to break the ice with then.

_Achilles sighs wearily. _

**Achilles:** She told me if I stayed home,I'd have a long and peaceful life. If I came to Troy my life would be short, because if I returned she'd kill me herself. (Briseis sniggers and Achilles glares at her) But my name would not be forgotten.

**Briseis:** And you chose Troy?

_Achilles just looks at her, dumbfounded, how could anyone be so blonde - especially a brunette._

**Achilles:** But what if Fate brought me here for another purpose?

**Briseis:** What deflouring virgins?

**Achilles: **... I do that anyway. What I mean is, what if I had to go to war to find peace? To find you?

_The two pash madly for the rest of this scene._


	23. Chapter 22: Achilles: It's the word

Author's Note: A shorty and I don't think it's all that hilarious, but important none-the-less. Please R&R, I'm feeling unappreciated; my story on has been up more than a month and I've only received one reviewand it'sbarelya sentence long:(.

Disclaimer: Don't own Troy.**

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Scene change to sand dunes, Odysseus and his Ithicans are awaiting battle**

_'Achilles' is making his way up the dunes along the Greek line. Greeks are cheering. _

**Odysseus:** Achilles

**Eudorus:** Arm yourselves men.

_They, rather excitedly, do._

_Lots of battle as the Trojans meet the Greeks and attack._

**Glaucus:** The gods are with them today, we should fall back.

_Glaucus begins to cry and suck his thumb._

_Hector ignores this and continues to fight._

_Hector sees 'Achilles'._

**Hector:** (to himself) Achilles.

_Battle between them. Hector slits his throat._

_Hector dances around in victory, before taking the helmet off._

_Hector sees Patroclus faces, realises he's killed the wrong person._

**Hector: **Oh freaking hell! I didn't do it. (looks sheepish).

_Blood sprays from Patroclus' neck and hits Hector in the face. Hector tries to block, but it keeps spraying, covering him in blood. _

**Hector:** (to Glaucus and pointing at his blood soaked clothes) Andromache is not going to be happy.

**Glaucus: **(sounding gay) Oh I know, there are no good washing powders that get rid of blood stains, I mean hello it's 1195 BC for Apollo's sake.

_Hector looks uncomfortable._

**Hector:** ... Yes Glaucus.

**Hector:** (to everyone else) Enough for one day. Arms down, back to the city.

_Odysseus agrees._

**Odysseus:** Arms down. Arms down, back to the beach.

_Odysseus crouches beside Patroclus and closesPatroclus' eyes._

**Eudorus: **He's right you know, there are no good washing powders around these days.

**Odysseus:** I don't think we're going to be worrying about washing powder after today.


	24. Chapter 23: PMS: Post Murder Scene

Author's Note: Am semi proud of this scene, and watch out, the scotsman could be back in the next scenes. Let me know what you think.

Disclaimer: Don't own much, why would this be any different. **

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**Scene change to the beach Achilles is readying the boat to sail home**

_The Myrmidons draw straws to see who is to tell Achilles about the death of his cousin._

**Eudorus:** Achilles (timidly).

_(Eudorus got the short straw). _

**Achilles:** You've been fighting.

**Eudorus:** (sweaty, dirty, smelling of BO, and all around covered in blood, looks pleased with himself) How could you tell?

**Achilles:** Don't waste my time. You've violated me!

_Briseis pokes her head out of the boat._

**Briseis:** You called?

**Achilles and Eudorus in unison:** Not you.

**Briseis:** So there's someone else is there? (huffy).

**Achilles:** No!

_Eudorus looks sheepish, scuffs his feet and looks at the ground. _

_Briseis goes below the deck and out of site. _

**Eudorus:** There was a mistake my lord.

**Achilles:** A mistake, I ordered the Myrmidons to stand down, you led them into battle? Let's get one thing straight, Eudorus. I am the master, and such you must call me master. (Eudorus pulls disgusted face).

**Eudorus:** Do I have to?

**Achilles:** Yes, I am always right, because I'm a professional and horny assassin.

**Eudorus:** Uh... relevance factor is zero.

**Achilles:** I know.

**Eudorus:** And I didn't lead them. (mumbling and looking at his shoes).

**Achilles:** Well then who the hell did?

**Eudorus:** We thought you did.

_Achilles looks around desperately._

**Achilles:** Where's Patroclus?

**Eudorus:** We thought it was you, (adds dejectedly) master. We... He wore your armour. Your shield, your grieves, your helmet, even your underwear.

_Achilles pulls face._

**Achilles:** Which ones?

**Eudorus:** The red lacy g-string.

**Achilles:** Dammit, those aremy favourite!

**Eudorus:** I know ... master. Patroclus is dead.

**Achilles:** You're lying.

**Eudorus:** Is this a face that would lie to you.

_Red horns appear on Eudorus' head._

**Eudorus:** If I could have saved him ...

**Achilles: **(covers ears) Liar liar pants on fire!

**Eudorus: **He fought well, master. With great courage. But Hector came after him.

**Achilles:** Oh no you don't, don't shift the blame, this was your fault.

**Eudorus:** But...

_Achilles looks sternly at him and folds his arms._

**Achilles:** Uh bup bup, the master is always right.

**Eudorus:** I saw him fall.

**Achilles:** I'll give you fall.

_Achilles grabs Eudorus by the hair and forces him 2 his knees and goes to slit his throat, before Briseis jumps off the boat and her dress flies up around her neck._

**Achilles:** Damn.

**Briseis:** Don't.

_Achilles tries to strangle her._

**Briseis:** That's it I'm reporting you to the Troy police for domestic violence.

**Achilles:** (to Eudorus) Dead?

**Eudorus:** Hector cut his throat.

_Achilles lets go of Eudorus, then changes his mind and goes back to cut his throat to relieve some stress. But Eudorus is already running for the boat._

**Eudorus:** In the boat men. In the boat.

_All the Myrmidons jump in the boat. And they row at break neck speed, as if an engine had been installed. The boat tears off into the horizon. _

**Achilles:** Oh no you don't.

_Achilles jumps in a boat and rows twice as fast as the Myrmidons are. Achilles highjacks the Myrmidons boat and grabs Eudorus by the ear and forces the Myrmidons to row back to shore._


	25. Chapter 24: Door number 2

Author's Note: Wow, I'm really churning these chappies out. There's gotta be a better way of saying that, but anyway, you get my meaning.

Disclaimer: Don't own Troy**

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**Scene change to Hector leading Andromache around in an underground passage**

**Andromache:** Where are you taking me?

_Hector leads her to a door. With a big number 2 written on it._

**Hector:** You remember how to get here?

**Andromache:** Ya

_Andromache tries to come onto Hector yet again._

**Hector:** Andromache, I didn't bring you down here to make out with you.

**Andromache:** Why did you then? It's a little bit misleading, you lead me down a dark tunnel after telling me you have something to 'show me', what was I supposed to think? And frankly I think you've been a bit off your game lately. (folds arms).

**Hector:** If I die...

**Andromache:** What! Why would you die!

**Hector:** Goddamit woman open your eyes, we're in a war zone. If I die, you need to find out what's behind door number two for me, i want to know if it's that new chariot or a pack of chewing gum. Personally I hope it's the gum. And plus if I die there's no way the city will stand, look at Paris for Apollo's sake, he's pathetic.

**Andromache:** Don't say that.

**Hector:** If the Greeks get inside the walls it's over. They'll kill all the men, doesn't matter how old, they'll pull grandfathers from their beds and carve their lungs.

**Andromache:** I'm not listening

**Hector:** Doesn't matter how young, they'll throw the babies from the city walls.

**Andromache:** LALALALALALALALA Not listening. (covers ears).

**Hector shouts:** The women they'll take as slaves, and that for you will be worse than dying. (Says quietly) Because let's face it, you've never done a hard day's work in your entire life.

_Andromache stops lalalalaing._

**Andromache:** Why are you telling me this?

**Hector:** Hello, I just told you and besides you're a chick, you're supposed to listen, you just can't read maps. Here read this.

_Hector hands her a book titled "Why men don't listen and women can't read maps." _

_Andromache sniffs and folds her arms._

**Hector:** I killed a boy today. He was young, too young to have anal sex. (distantly).

**Andromache:**... Uhuh, relevance?


	26. Chapter 25: death: dramatic music

Author's Note: Ok, I'm proud of this, however, it's not for the faint hearted, there is fair bit more sexual referneces and coarse language in this chappy, but it's all in good fun. Take no offence, I am not poking fun at homosexuals. But feel free to say I'm poking fun at Paris, he deserves it the pretty boy. No offence intended to fans of Orlando Bloom.

Disclaimer: Don't own Troy, or unfortunately Eric Bana.  
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**Scene change to the burning of Patroclus on a pyre.**

_Agamemnon is looking up at Achilles who is cleaning Patroclus' face._

**Agamemnon: **(to Nestor) You know, from this angle, I can see right up Achilles' skirt.

_Achilles puts two pennies on Patroclus' eyes, kisses his forehead and then descends the ladder. Agamemnon pouts. _

**Random scene flicks:**

_Achilles watching Patroclus burn._

_Briseis watching Achilles watching Patroclus burn. _

_Eudorus in the bushes watching Briseis watch Achilles watching Patroclus burn._

_Agamemnon wanking off in his tent. _

_Priam on a balcony and using a telescope to look through his neighbours windows. _

_Hector standing by Astynax's crib, while Andromache rolls around on the bed in a suggestive manner. _

_Helen lying in bed, before going out on to the balcony and watching Paris 'practise' using a bow and arrow. _

_Paris shoots an arrow into his foot. _

_Scene flick back to Achilles, walks past Briseis who appears to have fallen asleep on the sand. What really happened was she accidentally sat on a syringe and is now unconscious. Achilles steps over her. _

**Achilles:** Eudorus.

**Eudorus:** My Lord.

**Achilles:** I need my armour.

**Scene showing Achilles getting dressed.**

_Achilles gets on a chariot. Eudorus goes to jump on directly behind him. _

**Achilles:** Not now. Maybe later. Someone hand me a rope.

_Myrmidons give Achilles a funny look._

**Achilles:** It's nothing kinky you sickos.

_Myrmidons shrug and hand him a rope._

_Achilles goes to leave._

_Briseis runs after him._

**Briseis:** Don't go. Hector is my cousin. He's a good man.

_Achilles drives off._

**Scene change to Troy.**

_Achilles rides up, archer goes to shoot him, Hector says not to._

_Achilles gets off chariot._

**Achilles:** HECTOR! (yells this at the ground repeatedly).

_Hector kneels before Priam._

**Hector: **Father, forgive me for any offences, I served you as best I could.

**Priam: **May the gods be with you. In other words; goodbye.

_Hector turns to leave._

**Praim:** Hector, no father could have a better son.

_Paris coughs loudly._

_Everyone glares._

**Paris:** You're the best ... man I know.

**Hector:** I'd say the same for you, but there is no way your balls have dropped yet.

_Hector turns to Andromache._

**Hector:** Remember what I told you?

**Andromache:** You don't have to go. You don't -

**Hector:** Remember what I told you. Fingers crossed it's a packet of gum.

_Hector goes downstairs and goes to fight Achilles._

**Hector:** I've seen this moment in my dreams.

_Achilles coughs which suspiciously sounds like 'poof'._

**Hector:** I'll make a pact with you, with the gods as my witnesses. Let us pledge that the winner will allow the loser all the proper funeral rituals.

**Achilles:** There are no pacts between lions and men.

**Hector: **So which one of us is the lion?

_Achilles rolls eyes and takes off his helmet shaking his hair as if he's starring in Charlie's Angles._

**Achilles:** Now you know who you are fighting.

_Hector coughs 'a poof'._

**Hector:** I thought it was you I was fighting yesterday. I wish it was you I was fighting, but I gave the boy the honour he -

**Achilles:** You gave him the honour of your sword. You won't have eyes tonight, you won't have ears, or a tongue. And if your penis is bigger than mine, which I'm doubting, but if it is I'm gonna chop that too. You'll wander the underworld, blind, deaf and dumb. And all the dead will know: this is Hector, the fool who thought he'd killed Achilles.

_Hector and Achilles fight for a bit. _

_Achilles stabs Hector and he dies. _

_Achilles kicks the dead body of Hector repeatedly. _

_Priam calls out to him._

**Praim:** Uh... Mr Achilles sir, he's uh dead.

_Achilles gives Priam a one fingered salute._

_Achilles ties Hector to the back of the chariot and rides away with Hector dragging behind._

_Twenty feet later Achilles' chariot falls over sideways._

_Achilles gets up and kicks the chariot. _

**Achilles: **No freaking power steering! What is wrong with these people?


	27. Chapter 26: Priam's Plea

Author's Note: ... I'm at a loss for words

Disclaimer: Don't own Troy, it belongs to ... uh, whoever made it. **

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**Scene change to Achilles' tent**

_Achilles, for a change, is clean. He's sharpening his sword. _

_Briseis has been crying for hours on end and the endless sobbing is starting to annoy Achilles._

**Briseis:** You've lost your cousin, and now you've taken mine.

**Achilles:** Freaking hell woman, you've said that five times already!

**Briseis:** When does it end?

_Achilles groans._

**Achilles:** It never ends (meaning Briseis' crying rather than the killing).

_Briseis storms off. Meanwhile, a cloaked figure enters Achilles' tent. _

_He kneels before Achilles. Achilles is sitting with his legs wide open, so kneeling before Achilles can only mean one thing, you're face to face with his family jewels. _

_Achilles didn't noticed the cloaked figure come in until he's kneeling before him._

_Achilles looks down, sees the cloaked man in between his legs. Achilles jumps up from where he was._

**Achilles: **Jesus Christ! Where the fuck did you come from!

_The cloaked man rises and throws his hood back, to reveal King Priam._

_Priam makes a grab for Achilles hands. Achilles darts away. Priam chases and catches him._

_Priam licks Achilles' hands. _

**Priam:** I have endured what no one on Earth has endured before. I have licked the hands of the man who killed my son.

**Achilles:** Priam?

**Priam:** Who the hell did you think it was?

**Achilles:** How did you get in here you old fogey? The sentries -

**Priam: **I know my own country better than the Greeks, I think.

**Achilles:** You're a brave man. If Agamemnon knew you were here in my tent, he'd be so jealous, he'd have your head on a spit.

**Priam: **You think death frightens me now. You've dismembered my only success as a father. Now Paris is going to be king! Do you know what you've done?

_Achilles looks away. _

**Priam:** Give him back to me.

**Achilles:** I don't know if you were watching today, but uh Hector is dead, he's not going to be able to run a country. Looks like you're stuck with Paris.

**Priam:** He deserves the honour of a proper burial.

**Achilles:** He killed my cousin.

**Priam:** Ya, thinking it was you, how many cousins, father, brothers, have you killed? You've taken everything from me, my only son. I can't change what happened it was the will of the gods, but give me this small mercy.

**Achilles:** He wasn't your only son, you have Paris.

**Priam:** Just between you and me, Paris wasn't born a boy. So technically he's not my son.

**Priam:** I loved my boy from the moment he opened his eyes to the moment you closed them. Let me wash his body, say his prayers. Let me place two pennies on his eyes for the boatman.

**Achilles:** This doesn't change anything, you're still my enemy.

**Priam:** You're still my enemy too, but enemies can show respect.

**Achilles:** I admire you old fogey, You're a better king than the one leading this army. Meet me outside in a moment.

_Achilles goes over to Hector's body and talks to it for a while._

_Achilles bundles Hector up into a chariot for Priam._

**Achilles:** Your son was the best I've ever had, I want you to know that.

_Priam looks uncomfortable._

**Achilles:** In my country the funeral games last twelve days.

**Priam:** It is the same in my country.

**Achilles:** Then no Greek shall attack Troy for twelve days. The prince deserves that honour.

_Briseis comes over._

**Priam:** Briseis! We thought you were dead.

_Priam and Briseis hug._

**Achilles:** (to Priam) You'll be safe behind Trojan walls. If I hurt you, it's not what I wanted. You gave me one night of peace in a lifetime of war.

**Briseis: **Uh... I'm over here.

**Achilles:** Oh, well then what I just said.

**Achilles:** (to Priam) Go, no one will stop you, you have my word.

**Priam:** Come my gal.

_Priam and Briseis ride off in a chariot back to Troy._


	28. Chapter 27: wolves or sheep?

Author's Note: Ok nothing much happens here, and it's not rolling on the floor hilarious, but yeah, just a shorty.

Disclaimer: Only own this fanfic, not Troy.  
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**Scene change to Agamemnon ranting on about something in his boat/tent**

**Agamemnon: **Achilles makes a secret pact and we have to honour it? What treason is this?

**Agamemnon:** Consorting with the enemy king, he should be consorting with me (nudges Nestor suggestively, whole court roll their eyes in disgust).

**Nestor:** Even with Hector gone, we have no way to breach their lovely high walls, is it just me or is Priam a little too affectionate with those walls. Anyway, they could wait 10 years for us to leave.

**Soldiers are trying to pass the twelve days in various ways, one is whittling a wooden horse.**

**Soldier notices Odysseus staring at him, and is gets uncomfortable.**

**Soldier: **Uh... for my boy back home.

_Odysseus continues to stare at the horse, not noticing the soldier said anything._

**Scene flick to Greeks stripping the planks off their boats. **

_Unfortunately it hasn't occured to anyone in the Greek camp that with all the wood from the boats gone there are no boats and therefore no way of returning home. _

**Achilles:** Wily Odysseus, you've found a way to make the wolves invite the sheep for dinner.

_Odysseus nods and then realises what Achilles has said._

**Odysseus:** Hold, the wolves invite the sheep?

**Achilles: **Yes.

**Odysseus:** Don't you mean sheep invite the wolves?

**Achilles:** That's what I said.

**Odysseus:** What no you said the wolves invite the sheep.

**Achilles:** I did?

_Long pause._

**Odysseus:** So which are we? the wolves or the sheep?

**Achilles: **Aren't we the sheep?

**Odysseus:** I thought we were the wolves.

_Long confused pause._

**Odysseus:** Perhaps we're sheep dressed as wolves.

**Achilles:** Uhuh.

**Odysseus:** Or sheep pretending to be wolves, but then pretending to be sheep.

_Achilles is clearly confused._

**Achilles:** ... Well, now you're just confusing yourself.


	29. Chapter 28: Burn Baby Burn

Author's Note: Almost finished.

Disclaimer: Don't own Troy or the line in here that belongs to a movie starring Jim Carrey.  
**

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Scene change to Achilles and Eudorus sitting on a dune and having a tender moment**

_Achilles is stroking Eudorus' leg, in the absence of Briseis._

**Achilles:** Eudorus. Forgive me. I should never have struck you. You've been a loyal friend all your life.

_Achilles continues mindlessly stroking Eudorus' leg._

**Eudorus:** I hope I never disappoint you again.

_Achilles and Eudorus both lean in for a pash. _

_Achilles opens his eyes and sees Eudorus puckering up. _

**Achilles:** AARRRGGGHHH, DUDE! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!

**Eudorus:** I forgive you it's ok.

_Achilles yells some more._

**Achilles: **I thought you were Briseis.

**Achilles:** (still disgusted) Rouse the men, you're taking them home.

**Eudorus:** Aren't you coming?

**Achilles:** After what just happened! Uh, don't think so. I'm gonna go get my bitch back.

**Eudorus:** She's worth fighting for, damn what a tomcat, we'll stand behind you.

**Achilles: **No all that's left is slaughter, I don't want my men to be fouled in the blood of children. Go Eudorus, and forget the last 5 minutes, otherwise you'll never see home again.

**Eudorus:** Yes my lord, fighting for you has been my life's honour.

**Scene change to 12 days later, two Trojan sentries are in a guard tower near the beach.**

Sentry looks down at the beach.

**Sentry:** They're gone.

**Scene change to the beach later that day. A giant wooden horse is standing there.**

Lots of dead Greeks covered in black sores lie all over the place.

**Priam:** Tuberculosis.

**Guard:** I think it's the plague.

**Priam:** (sweetly) Who's the king?

**Archeptolemus:** It's the will of the gods.

**Glaucus:** Uh... everything is the will of the gods, dah, that's why it happens.

**Archeptolemus sniffs:** They desecrated the temple of Apollo and Apollo desecrated their flesh.

_Everyone is silent, someone coughs towards the back of the crowd._

**Priam:** What the hell is that ... thing?

**Archeptolemus:** An offering to Poseidon. The Greeks are praying for a safe journey home. And of course, we want the Greeks to regain their numbers and come back and attack us again, so we should take it to the temple of Poseidon so they can return home safely.

_Paris has the first good idea all movie._

**Paris:** I think we should burn it.

_But no one trusts Paris' judgement, he's been wrong for a whole hour and a half, why should this time be any different. _

**Velior:** Burn it? My dear boy, it's a gift to the gods.

**Glaucus:** The Prince is right. Greece should burn. (in a demonic voice) Burn Greek Motherfuckers Burn and Die! Mwahahahahaha

**Everyone looks at each other and says in unison:** What the?

**Archeptolemus:** But look at what happened to Hector! He was a non believer and Achilles dismembered him.

**Paris:** Oh and that had nothing to do with Achilles, it was all Apollo. Father burn the freakin horse.

**Archeptolemus:** You'll be smited too!

**Paris:** So smite me oh mighty smiter!

_Everyone ducks, expecting lightning bolt to come down from sky._

**Priam:** I will not watch another son die.

_Priam pulls out duct tape and tapes it over Paris' mouth._

**Priam:** It's for your own good.


	30. Chapter 29: Die Trojan Scum

Author's Note: WHOO final chappy, it's finished.Wow, what a journey it has been. Please R&R, give me your final thoughts on my story. :D Oh and Banshee Queen will understand the hidden meaning behind the assaultee's line.

Disclaimer: See previous disclaimers.  
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**Scene change to a celebration in Troy, soldiers tugging at ropes attached to the wooden horse**

**Paris:** Look at them, you'd think their prince had died.

_Helen goes to reach for his hand, but grabs something else, Paris closes his eyes, enjoying the moment._

**Helen:** You're their prince now, (coughs 'screw me') make your brother proud.

_Paris and Helen screw, again._

**Scene change to Trojan rider, discoveres that Greeks are still here, gets shot, dies.**

**Scene change to Troy at night. **

_Greeks spill out of Trojan horse._

_Lots of pillage and murder._

_Lots of scene changes._

_More pillage and murder, complete chaos._

_Achilles looking for Briseis._

_Briseis looking for Achilles._

_Paris boning Helen again. _

_Agamemnon liking the sound of his own voice._

**Agamemnon:** I promised you brother, burn it all, die Trojan scum (demonic voice).

_Andromache opens door and interupts Paris and Helen screwing._

**Andromache:** FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY!

**Paris:** Go away, we're having sex!

**Andromache:** We have to run.

**Paris: **Ah, hello, kinda busy.

**Helen:** (to Andromache) Where?

**Paris:** What do you mean where? I'm right on top of you.

**Andromache:** I'll show you.

**Paris:** Uh bup bup, you're not showing her anything, I'm first.

_Helen and Andromache roll their eyes._

_Helen gets ot of bed and takes the sheet._

**Helen:** Come with us my love.

**Paris:** Well I have to now, you've taken my favourite bedsheet.

_Random scene changes._

**Scene change to Andromache leading a herd of Trojans.**

**Kids: **Are we there yet?

**Andromache:** It's a long walk.

**Smartass: **No shit!

_They stop at door number 2._

_Andromache goes to open it._

**Andromache:** Cmon chewing gum.

_Andromache opens door. A packet of chewing gum lies on the floor of a tunnel._

_Andromache imitates Lleighton Hewitt (Cmon)._

**Paris:** I stay.

**Helen:** No.

**Paris:** My father will never abandon the city, I can't leave him.

**Helen:** Your father is like 100 already, he can't have that much time left anyway.

_Paris skims a look over the refugees. _

**Paris:** (points to boy supporting an old man) What is your name?

**Boy:** Anus.

_Paris gives him a strange look._

**Paris:** Do you know how to use a sword.

**Anus:** I'm better than you, not that that's any great achievement.

_Paris hands over sword of Troy dejectedly._

**Paris:** Now get lost and go find a new home, oh and if you don't protect every one of these refugees I'm gonna kick your ass.

_Anus sniggers, thinking not if I kick yours first._

_Andromache touches Paris' arm._

**Andromache:** You know Paris, your anger is turning me on.

_Helen bitch slaps Andromache. _

**Andromache:** Briseis wasn't in her room.

**Helen: **You and me outside now.

**Paris:** Oh fine, leave it up to me to find our missing cousin.

**Helen:** (dragging Andromache outside) Well you're the one who always had your tongue halfway down her throat.

_Andromache pulls free and runs away._

**Helen:** I'm staying with you.

_Paris shoves her hard into the door._

**Paris:** Go.

**Helen:** Don't leave me, please don't leave me.

**Paris:** How could you love me if I ran now?

**Helen:** Didn't stop you when you were fighting Menelaus.

**Paris:** Fine, if that's the way you feel.

_Paris storms off._

**Scene change to Briseis running down a corridor.**

_Sounds of dying people._

**Briseis:** Paris. Andromache.

**Scene change to Achilles.**

**Achilles:** Briseis! Briseis!

_Achilles threatens various people._

**Achilles:** Briseis, where is she? Where is she!

**Assualtee:** I don't know... please, (voice goes high pitched) my sister had a baby and I took it over after she passed away and the baby lost all its legs and arms and now its just a stump but I take care of it with my wife and... and its growing and its fairly happy... and its difficult because I'm working a second shift at the factory to put food on the table but all the love that I see in that little guy's face it makes it worth it in the end. True story.

_Achilles kills the assaultee just to shut him up._

**Scene change to Agamemnon ranting**

**Agamemnon:** No one escapes, no one mwahahahahaha.

**Scene change to Glaucus and his men, the last line of defense**

**Glaucus:** You men are soldiers. Leading you has been an honour.

**Smartass:** Hector lead us most of the way.

**Glaucus:** The boatman is waiting for us, I say let him wait a little longer.

**Scotsman:** Aye!

**Soldiers:** Aye!

**Battle Scene**

_Greeks smash statues of the gods._

**Priam:** (as conspicuous as possible) Have you no honour! No resepct for the Gods?

_Priam gets knifed, dies._

_Agamemnon stands over him._

**Agamemnon:** I wanted you alive old king. I wanted you to watch your city burn and then I'd anal rape you.

**Priam:** Dying suddenly doesn't seem so bad. And are you blind! My city is burning!

**Agamemnon:** Screw you.

**Priam:** Too late

_Priam drops dead._

**Scene change - exactly same scene that was before.**

**Achilles:** (running in slow motion and tossing his hair around) Briseis! Briseis!

_Briseis kneels before a statue praying in the middle of a battle._

**Agamemnon:** Too late for prayer priestess.

_Agamemnon grabs her by the hair and yanks her to her feet._

**Agamemnon:** You should learn to stand for a king.

**Briseis:** (smartassy) Really? I thought it was customary to kneel before one.

**Agamemnon:** Hmmm, white robes gone, Achilles screwed you after all then, not that that surprises me. He screws everything in a ten meter radius.

**Agamemnon:** I almost lost this war because of your little romance. I want to taste what you tasted.

**Scene change to Achilles running around in circles.**

**Scene change back to Agamemnon and Briseis.**

**Agamemnon:** He'll be my slave in Mycenae. A Greek soldier scrubbing my body, and at night... (licks lips).

_Agamemnon tears Briseis' dress in an attempt to make Achilles extra jealous._

Briseis stabs Agamemnon.

**Everyone in unison: **WOW! That was unexpected.

_Bodyguard goes to stab Briseis._

_Achilles stabs bodyguard._

_Paris gets ready to shoot Achilles._

**Achilles:** Come with me.

_Briseis somehow, while watching Achilles, sees Paris about to shoot._

**Achilles:** Come. I'll protect you.

_Paris goes to shoot._

**Briseis:** NO!

**Achilles:** Jeez a simple 'I'll be right' would have been enough.

_Paris shoots Achilles in the heel._

_Achilles looks at his heel with an arrow sticking through it._

**Achilles:** Well I'm in a bit of a pickle then.

Briseis runs to Paris and beats him up.

**Briseis:** Paris stop! stop!

**Paris: **I'm not the one scratching your eyes out.

_Paris shoots three more arrows into Achilles._

**Briseis:** Stop!

**Paris:** I was aiming for you, you know.

_Briseis continues to beat Paris up._

_Achilles goes to stab Paris._

**Briseis:** No more. No more killing. No more.

**Achilles:** No more.

_Achilles looks at shell necklace around Briseis' neck._

**Achilles:** My mother made this necklace. You stole it. THEIF!

**Achilles:** Meh, you have to get out.

**Briseis:** Shh.

**Achilles: **Get out

**Pash scene.**

**Briseis:** There's no way out.

**Achilles:** Where there's a will there's a way.

_Paris tries to lift Briseis to her feet but she chucks a tanty and rolls around on the ground._

**Achilles:** Briseis. I chose this night... but you will see the sun again. I want you to live. Live.

_More kissing._

**Achilles:** Paris on the other hand.

_Achilles stabs Paris._

_Achilles and Briseis join in evil and macabre laughter as Paris falls to the ground._

_Achilles dies._

_Briseis discovers that she has a talent for neckrophylia._

_Troy burns. _

_Briseis escapes._

_Achilles gets burnt._

_The sky is blue._

**THE END!

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Extra Disclaimer: I also do not own the one line said by the 'Assaultee', this line belongs to whoever wrote Shark Tale. 


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